On the edge

But, as I have now finally, finally gone and done it - after weeks of nail biting, hair pulling, late night pacing agony '“ I feel can at last share the experience with others.

What I've done is '“ for the first time ever '“ is single-handedly completed my tax return.

And, not only that, I completed it, in its entirety, and filed it, 'on-line'.

Now, I know this experience is not quite the same as say, sailing the Atlantic single-handed, or climbing Mount Kilimanjaro, but believe me, there were times during the due process that either one of the afore-mentioned seemed preferable.

And here's why '“ it's a nightmare of such mind numbing, patience busting magnitude, that how any sane person can possibly say. "it's easy", seriously needs to consider therapy.

In fact the radio commercial that HM Inspector of Taxes put out, saying one lady prefered to organise her spice rack in alphabetical order rather than fill in her tax return, was amusing, but what they were really saying was that they want their pound of flesh.

Because like it or lump it, there's no avoiding it.

It's my own fault I suppose, I made the decision to have a go at completing my tax return after taking into consideration a number of factors, which included having a, 'chat' with the tax office.

For starters, I'd had mixed experiences with accountants, (e.g. wanting to show me as being, 'in profit', when I knew for a fact that I was well and truly, 'out') and, to be honest, when I reviewed a copy of my submitted tax return (that my accountant had sent me) it made about as much sense as if I'd been given a Morse code copy of, 'Operation Cobra'

to decipher.

Experiences which, by the way, according to the surprisingly friendly lady at the tax office were not unusual'¦

"Lots of people have given up with their accountants and prefer to complete their tax returns themselves." She said enthusiastically.

"It's simple to complete, and filling it in yourself gives you the opportunity to understand what all the numbers mean."

Yes well, at school I was given the opportunity to understand what the square root of a variety of numbers meant, and to be honest I could never get my head round what a square root was, or why I needed to know anyway. And frankly I couldn't have cared less'¦.which is probably why I never got more than about 20% in my maths exams.

Anyway, there were a number of factors during the, 'completion', of the form that, let me tell you, caused me to use a few choice words, and trust me they did not include, 'simple', or 'easy'.

Because to begin with, what all of HM Inspector of Taxes, 'filing on-line', propaganda omits to tell you is that before you can use the service you actually have to go on-line to their web-site and register.

Yes indeedy.

And what exactly is it that you are registering for?....

To apply to complete your tax return on-line of course.

Well that's fair enough right? I mean you wouldn't want someone to impersonate you and to, you know, fill in your tax return for you.

Doh!

Because of course there must be thousands of people out there desperate to steal my identity just so they can fill in my tax return...

Do the powers that be at the tax office seriously believe there are people out there barmy enough to want to do that?

Well,clearly they do.

Anyway, the worrying part of all this is that the tax office then send your registration number by guess what?

No not pigeon post, but by all accounts it may as well be, because

they send it by good old Royal Mail.

And not one, but two different numbers are sent ....seven days after you apply to register...separately.

So there's no point dilly dallying around waiting to do the deed on say the 24th January, when you think you've still got a clear run of seven or eight days to go before the deadline...because you don't!

Maybe it is my fault for leaving it a bit late to file my return, but wouldn't it be quicker and simpler to just email those numbers out?

Anyway, once this experience is dealt with, and you receive those important numbers, the joy of completing the return can begin.

Now, here's the thing, unlike a paper tax return, you can't fill in pages that you like the look of which take zero concentration, and allow you to do far more interesting things at the same time, like filing your nails, drinking a glass of Californian Chardonnay and watching, 'Out Of Africa'.

Pages, for example, like page one, which is nice and simple...name address, national insurance number etc., rapidly followed by a quick flick through to the next best bit...the back page.. where you sign your name. At which point you can then sigh and mistakenly think, 'made a good start...that's two pages completed...not much more to go.'

OK I know you're not really supposed to do that but to be honest some of those pages really, really made my head hurt.

And when I did answer some of the questions and the computer didn't like my reply a big red sign appeared that said WARNING...ERROR! And refused to let me leave it, to be dealt with later '“ when I could think straight about what exactly the problem was - and go on to deal with another page! (Unless, of course I chose to delete the entire section,

which I didn't want to do!).

So it felt like a, 'do not pass go', 'do not collect 200'.... 'go directly to jail', sort of thing.

Anyway, after three phone calls to the tax office, two emails and one personal visit, interjected with thoughts of banging my head against the wall, and contemplating grabbing a suitcase, my passport and a one-way ticket to Rio, I finally got there and the deed was done.

I then considered the hours, and hours of mental anguish that I had endured and asked myself, 'was it all worth it'?

Well, lets put it this way....can anyone recommend a good accountant?