125 of the most cringeworthy jokes to celebrate Father's Day
There’s only one thing that’s better than a good joke: a joke so bad that it’s good.
Dads are the masters of this particular craft and with father’s day approaching we’ve compile an extensive list of the finest examples.
From ghastly double entrendres to wince-inducing puns, there’s some real fool’s gold out there – here are some of the best worst jokes around.
What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEYYYYEEE!
What’s better than Ted Danson? Ted singing and Danson!
What did the the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business!
What does a baby computer call his father? Data!
What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!
Why did the golfer change his pants? Because he got a hole in one!
Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is.”
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
Why did Cinderella get kicked off the football team? Because she kept running from the ball!
What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIIINNNNS!”
What’s at the bottom of the ocean and shivers? A nervous wreck!
What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bike? Attire!
How many ears does Spock have? Three. The left ear, the right ear, and the final front-ear!
Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs!
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!
What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!
What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows!
What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!
How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus? Tentacles!
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones!
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it!
Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper? Never mind… it’s tearable.
I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I ever saw!
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? “Supplies!”
You know what the loudest pet you can get is? A trumpet.
Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? Because it’s pointless!
Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
What did the buffalo say when his son left? Bison!
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve food here.”
What do you call a fish with no eye? Fsh!
When is your door not actually a door?When it’s actually ajar.
I was interrogated over the theft of a cheese toastie. Man, they really grilled me.
A communist joke isn’t funny… unless everyone gets it.
Why can’t you hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent!
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
What do you call a man who can’t stand? Neil.
I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.
I’m thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it’s only holding me back.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar? They each got six months.
I’m terrified of elevators… so I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.
I used to hate facial hair… but then it grew on me.
Three fish are in a tank. One asks the others, “How do you drive this thing?”
Why don’t crabs donate? Because they’re shellfish.
What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
Don’t worry if you miss a gym session. Everything will work out.
Ever tried to eat a clock? It’s time-consuming.
Why did Adele cross the road? To say hello from the other side.
Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents!
What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick!
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eyed deer!
What did the horse say after it tripped? “Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!”
Why did Snoop Dogg need an umbrella? Fo’ Drizzle.
What goes down but doesn’t come up? A yo.
What did the pirate get on his report card? Seven Cs!
What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey.
What’s E.T. short for? Because he’s got little legs.
How many bugs do you need to rent out an apartment? Tenants.
Why are colds such bad robbers? Because they’re so easy to catch.
Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.
How do you organize a space-themed party? You planet.
What do you call a factory that sells passable products? A satisfactory!
I’m only familiar with 25 letters in the English language. I don’t know why!
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.
What’s the difference between a tennis ball and the prince of Wales? One is heir to the throne and the other is thrown into the air.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent!
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho Cheese.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved!
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk!
Why is 6 scared of 7? Because 7 ate 9 and 10!
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick!
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? In case he gets a hole in one!
Have you heard the joke about the bed? It hasn’t been made up yet.
What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.
Did you hear about the Italian Chef that died? He pasta way.
Why did the coffee file a police report?It got mugged.
What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant!
What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?Follow the fresh prints.
The rotation of earth really makes my day.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up.
What did the clock do when it was hungry? It went back four seconds.
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”
The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
What did the left butt cheek say to the right butt cheek? You crack me up!
What do you call a person in a tree with a briefcase? A branch manager!
What did Mario say when he broke up with Princess Peach? It’s not you, it’s a-me, Mario!
What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don’t wok away from me!
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent!
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything!
Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space!
Why do cow-milking stools only have three legs? ‘Cause the cow’s got the udder!
Have you heard the one about the corduroy pillow? It’s making headlines.
I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.
Just received a card full of rice. It’s from Uncle Ben.
Local man killed by falling piano. It will be a low key funeral.
The last thing grandpa said before he kicked the bucket? How far do you think I can kick this bucket.
I once had a teacher with a lazy eye. She couldn’t control her pupils.
And finally the 10 cringiest dad jokes as voted by the public revealed by thortful.com
1. My wife says I never listen. Funny way to start a conversation if you ask me
2. My son asked me to stop singing Oasis songs in public. I said maybe
3. "My wife is furious that our next-door neighbour has started sunbathing nude in her garden. Personally, I’m on the fence."
4. When the wife finds out I have replaced our bed with a trampoline... she's going to hit the roof.
5. My wife said i never buy her flowers. I didn't even know she sold flowers.
6. I went for an interview. They said, “Can you perform under pressure?” I said “I’m not sure about that but I can have a good crack at Bohemian Rhapsody”
7. "My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him. Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He’s a web designer."
8. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes... She gave me a hug.
9. Today, my son asked, "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is John.
10. Been out washing the car with my son. He said Dad why don’t you use a sponge like the other dads?